Admittedly, I do love a bit of the Bard. Half the time I don’t have a clue what he’s banging on about – I didn’t figure out whoMalcolm in Macbeth was until I was around two-thirds through the entire play- but there’s no denying he was a genius. A genius – *cough cough* psychopath / highly functioning sociopath for the Sherlock
fandom – who had a thing for killing people in gory ways. Absolutely fantastic for secretly bloodthirsty souls like myself, but not so good for those with a daintier countenance, like all the other teenaged girls out there. But look! I made another list (albeit, because I’m a lazy sod and I have to write an English essay after this 😦 ) documenting my favourite deaths in Shakespeare’s works, including Titus Andronicus, Macbeth, Hamlet et al.
Basically Everyone Important in Titus Andronicus
Okay, Titus may be slaughtered (HA! PUN!) by the serious critics for the actual writing, but you can’t not grin at the deaths in this one. The Bard must have been seriously pissed with someone when he wrote it – I wouldn’t inflict any of the deaths in Titus on my friends, let alone my enemies. We’ve got sacrifice, cannibalism, the chopping-off of body parts, burial… And that’s just for starters. The entire play is basically an entire series of revenge killings and madness. It’s fantastic – all you need to do is sit back, relax, and appreciate this Roman version of the Hunger Games.
Romeo and Juliet in Romeo and Juliet
And this was supposed to be a romance. Personally, Romeo is the biggest plonker in the history of failed romances. Even when I was seven, and reading the abridged version, I was staring in what-a-bloody-idiot disbelief at my extra-large print page. For a start, if he didn’t realise that Juliet was capable of faking her own death, then he obviously didn’t know her that well, so good riddance. Quite honestly, I see Romeo as the epitome of a clinging boyfriend, who’s so afraid of living alone that he decides to top himself. Seriously, living with a collection of books and cats in the middle of nowhere isn’t so bad. Trust me, I know from experience.
Basically Everyone Important in Macbeth
As you may know, Macbeth is my number one play by Shakespeare. Nothing can get better than a collection of crazy-ass witches, a scheming crazy-ass couple and insults such as ‘young fry of treachery’ and ‘you egg’. Those certainly sent up a snigger in class last year. Although there aren’t as many pass-the-sick-bag deaths, what really shakes this one up is the run-up to them. Instead of making it a series of revenge/I-want-what-you’ve-got killings, the introduction of the witches means that the reader actually thinks about the origins of the thirst for blood. Are the urgings simply due to Macbeth and his dear lady wife? Or do the witches have a more sinister hand in things? It’s up to you.
Quite a Few of the Important People in Hamlet
Ooooh, Hamlet. Albeit, what initially aroused my attention in this play was the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch *sighs in appreciation of those cheekbones* is in it at the moment, but I’m glad that I did some more nosing into the plot. We’ve got a stabbing – nowt like a bit of slashing to get the blood pumping – and poison, as well as a good ol’ drowning to add some breathless moments. I feel a bit sorry for Ophelia, who has a pretty name and an ugly ending, and that dude who gets stabbed through the medieval equivalent of a shower curtain. There are daintier ways to go, I must admit – but if the deaths were not as interesting, they wouldn’t be on this list.
If you have any other ideas to add to this list, then feel free to comment below, and maybe I’ll do a part two!
Thought of the day: Be happy. At least you’re not dismembered and baked in a pie.