I’ve spent the past three weeks binge-watching Take Me Out, and have realised that Paddy McGuinness’ puns hold the key to my heart. Or one of them – there are many, including kittens, coffee, notebooks and the box set of Cabin Pressure. This lead me on to my new business pitch, Design-A-Man. Just think – the grown-up version of Build-A-Bear workshop. Choose the face, choose the hobbies, choose the body, whack it all together and you’ve got the human equivalent of Ken, but with more brains and without the disappointing plastic underwear.
As part of my Dragons’ Den pitch, here’s my personal Design-A-Man:
As well as the standard kind/generous/funny/honest/intelligent malarkey, these are my personal specifications…
FACE – Needs cheekbones that I could slice carrots with (who doesn’t love a multi-purpose
Swiss Army Knife man), cute eyes, cute hair. Cute. Depending on mood, I need a clone of Benedict Cumberbatch *swoons*, DAN CROLL (wonderful specimen of a man), Brandon Flowers or Shaun Evans. I’m not fussy.
BODY – Tall. Abs. Arms. Legs. Hands. I like a nice pair of hands.
HOBBIES/PREFERENCES/OTHER – If said man can’t deal with opera, he’s out. I’ve just spent the last hour desperately working whilst listening to Lakme on full blast. Ditto cats. Cats over dogs? Go. Now. Before it’s too late and I fill my house with tiny balls of purring fluff. Ditto fish. Ditto bearded dragons. Perfect man needs to be good at DIY and cooking. I need someone to help me put up IKEA bookcases, because right now the literary equivalent of the Leaning Tower of Pisa is taking up half of my room, and the only cookery techniques that I have truly mastered are microwaving and toasting. I once spent an entire summer eating Pot Noodle for lunch.
Man has to be able to cope with frequent mood swings, and my ‘fundamental anger’. I’m either ready to kill everyone in a ten metre radius with my bare hands, or I’m offering free hugs and being the 21st Century version of Mother Teresa. There is no middle ground. Imagine me as that neighbour who bakes cookies all the time and seems really happy to babysit the offspring, but secretly is a sociopath and watches daytime detective TV dramas.
And talking of TV detective dramas, I watch a lot of them. Sherlock, Endeavour, Morse, Lewis, Midsomer Murders, The Avengers – there you have the entirety of my TV viewing, bar Take Me Out and the racy bits in Phwoar and Peace.
Man must read. If man doesn’t read, man goes. If man minds listening to Radio Four Extra, man goes.
If you would like to offer funding for this new endeavour, then email me. I’m happy to offer a 15% share in this non-existent company, and a free model of your Design-A-Man. A Ken-doll-esque model, not one of those wonderful men who show off their wonderful bodies in wonderful clothes.
And if you’re a sixteen year old boy who fits into all of the above criteria, then email me. The venue’s booked, the outfits are in the wardrobe, and we’re off to the isle of Fernando’s.